Life without love

I’m really sad at the moment. 7 or 8 weeks ago I met 2 girls (actually 3 but now the third one is gone who knows where). Like me they were looking for farm job, but they really looked like Australian city girls; I guessed that farm job would not be their cup of tea. By chance we found a job in the same farm: we had to pick pears from trees. At the beginning I didn’t really pay attention to them because we were totally different in minds: I like science, art, culture, and listen to people says especially if they are different, but they seemed not interested by all of that, they seemed to live only for party. To see them work and live in the countryside was a bit like to watch the “Simple Life” TV show, it was just funny.

But I helped them a bit as I could and after a while I realized I liked one of the girls and began to get attached to her (what a surprise!), let’s call her J.. Since then nothing went the good way because I couldn’t say what I felt to her, or at least to compliment her or to try something. When love comes to me I’m paralysed, I want to flee and I do it.

I think one part of my problem comes from the fear of rejection, although I took the risk of it and succeed anyway in others fields of my life. But other part of my problem is that I flee human contact, because it makes me feel very uncomfortable. For example I feel uncomfortable if someone comes near me to explain me something, I fear uncomfortable if I know that I will have to have a human contact with somebody (to say goodbye for example).

To go back to J., I felt once it would not be uncomfortable to be with her, to touch her, I felt it would be really comfortable and sweet indeed. There are so few girls like that, but I fled her because I’m disgusted by my own desire, if I had to touch her with my hand… try to imagine, I would see my hand like if my fingers were hooks coming from a hideous and decaying creature. The only mean I found to not be disgusted by myself is like to dive into a deep precipice. I feel to do it is the only mean to be freed of my fear of human contact but the feeling is so scaring, because it’s like if all my shit waited for me at the bottom.

But not to love is also a big problem because I need it anyway; life has no sense without it. The best comparison that I found of the feeling of lack of love is the feeling of thirst although it’s a far deeper feeling and although curiously I’m not dying of it. I’m still alive but... without love life is like a desert.