innerWorld

At this time my best friend who I knew since 11 and his sister were frequently going to Spanish night clubs. Spanish night clubs are really far better than French’s because Spanish people have a far better sense of partying, in my opinion they live in a relatively young democracy and still enjoy their freedom and the economic growth that Europe gave them. Some French also prefer Spanish night clubs because it’s far easier to find drug there, you just have to seat in your car on the night club’s car park and wait for a dealer to come to you. There you can find ecstasy, cocaine, heroine, LSD, etc… almost everything except weed and hashish.

My best friend really enjoyed Spain. As he didn’t see where the evil was, he proposed me to come with him in Spain and taste what to party did really mean. At the beginning I was hesitating, but at this time it was just question to taste ecstasy and I didn’t think it was addictive and I had no girlfriend and my stepfather who I knew since I was 9 years old had killed himself just before spring (leaving me, his 7 years’ old son and my mother, I have to say that in spite of all his faults he was someone really good and human). So I finally accepted to come with him to an electronic music event which name was Electrogaia, where you could see and hear all the most famous DJ of the world like Carl Cox, Jeff Mills, etc…

That has been the first time I tasted ecstasy. After a while I enjoyed dancing like mad the head in the speakers, the body moving and bending in all directions under the effect of amphetamine, MDMA and techno beats. I experienced real trance during these nights.

There was another reason why I tasted ecstasy, I had heard that was the drug of love and I thought it could help me to go through my shyness, even for one night, where was the evil in it (if you forget that you are doing something illegal and risking your health)? In fact it never delivered me from my shyness, even if I spoke more, if I danced when without ecstasy I wouldn’t, it never helped me to go toward girls.

As I enjoyed it I continued to consume it, but I was unsatisfied. That’s why when my friend began to offer me cocaine, I refused it at first but after a while, thinking that cocaine was not really dangerous and thinking that it could help me for my shyness, I tasted it. Each time I did it I felt in a good mood, in full control of myself, but my shyness with girls was still here as well, more powerful than cocaine effect.

That was at this time that I began to think my shyness would never go by using drugs: even the most powerful drugs never helped me. So I continued to consume ecstasy since I still enjoyed it and to consume cocaine since it’s difficult to say no to cocaine when you have tried once, but it was less and less often. Fortunately I had not been too far, I’m not the slave of any drug and I put my knees down in front of not any drug dealer.

But my shyness is still here.

I’m really sad at the moment. 7 or 8 weeks ago I met 2 girls (actually 3 but now the third one is gone who knows where). Like me they were looking for farm job, but they really looked like Australian city girls; I guessed that farm job would not be their cup of tea. By chance we found a job in the same farm: we had to pick pears from trees. At the beginning I didn’t really pay attention to them because we were totally different in minds: I like science, art, culture, and listen to people says especially if they are different, but they seemed not interested by all of that, they seemed to live only for party. To see them work and live in the countryside was a bit like to watch the “Simple Life” TV show, it was just funny.

But I helped them a bit as I could and after a while I realized I liked one of the girls and began to get attached to her (what a surprise!), let’s call her J.. Since then nothing went the good way because I couldn’t say what I felt to her, or at least to compliment her or to try something. When love comes to me I’m paralysed, I want to flee and I do it.

I think one part of my problem comes from the fear of rejection, although I took the risk of it and succeed anyway in others fields of my life. But other part of my problem is that I flee human contact, because it makes me feel very uncomfortable. For example I feel uncomfortable if someone comes near me to explain me something, I fear uncomfortable if I know that I will have to have a human contact with somebody (to say goodbye for example).

To go back to J., I felt once it would not be uncomfortable to be with her, to touch her, I felt it would be really comfortable and sweet indeed. There are so few girls like that, but I fled her because I’m disgusted by my own desire, if I had to touch her with my hand… try to imagine, I would see my hand like if my fingers were hooks coming from a hideous and decaying creature. The only mean I found to not be disgusted by myself is like to dive into a deep precipice. I feel to do it is the only mean to be freed of my fear of human contact but the feeling is so scaring, because it’s like if all my shit waited for me at the bottom.

But not to love is also a big problem because I need it anyway; life has no sense without it. The best comparison that I found of the feeling of lack of love is the feeling of thirst although it’s a far deeper feeling and although curiously I’m not dying of it. I’m still alive but... without love life is like a desert.